jay_wilson_design

We live in a historically unprecedented era. Technology and science enable us to do things our ancestors would have clearly regarded as miracles. Yet despite these advances, there are huge numbers of people for whom science, and the critical thinking that science teaches, has absolutely no relevance. We'll call these people the "hard-of-thinking". These include members of the Flat Earth Society, the Luddites, and conspiracy theorists who believe, for example, the Apollo moon landing was an elaborate hoax.

There is a rumor going around that these people are not only getting dumber but also, at the same time, lazier! These are pathetic road-kills on the information highway, and are particularly vulnerable to the unscrupulous quackery of all kinds. Stupid and lazy is just too potent a combination for the engine of free and unregulated enterprise to resist. "No pain, no gain" is a dead concept. As with any new business idea, getting the proper backgrounding is important. So, product developers and PhD ethnographers conducted extensive customer research to determine just what this target market thinks about and what they really want in life. Basically it comes down to this: People want to lose weight don't want to curb eating want washboard abs would consult Ms. Cleo for critical advice want to look (at least) 15 years younger don't want to exercise (watching an exercise video is ok) would prefer not to read would like bigger private parts So they just want what everybody wants. The only difference is they don't want to work for it. And they're stupid.

Armed with this heretofore suspected but unconfirmed data, the researchers came up with several generative insights or "killer apps" that a new product offering must have to be successful. Basically it must involve minimal effort and promise maximal benefit. "Minimal" effort in these days means: sit on your ass take a pill push a button make it work while sleeping Products that fall into this category are weight loss concoctions, electronic muscle stimulators, magnetic therapy cuffs and, of course, private part enlargers. Having multiple competing products on the market gives each a kind of perverse self-reinforcing credibility. Each one builds on the other, ever more radical, but also making the previous ones seem tame and therefore believable. Where rational people see rampant and unfettered pseudoscience, the hard-of-thinking see the pathway to effortless self-actualization. Keep in mind that none of these products has to work, just sound like they work.

To achieve this, research has determined that two things are mandatory: It must be 100% guaranteed! There must be testimonials! The companies with fat budgets hire famous and/or "credible" spokespersons like football players or priests. Of course finding someone, anyone, who's credible, is a little tough these days. So they keep looking. They would get Jesus of Nazareth Himself if He were available. But, then again, He would probably want a lot of money. Guaranteeing most of these products is a pretty safe proposition. If you haven't already lost your receipt or forgotten where you bought it, there's always the humiliation and embarrassment of the customer service agent's interrogation about whether your genitalia is really as small as ever.